Behind Blue Eyes
by NYgoldfish54
Summary: Adam always gets compliments on his clear blue eyes, but nobody actually sees the storm taking place behind them. One-shot, mild slash.


**Title: **Behind Blue Eyes  
**Rating: **PG-13  
**Setting: **the Ducks' junior year in high school.  
**Summary: **Adam always gets compliments on his clear blue eyes, but nobody actually sees the storm taking place behind them.  
**Feedback: **Go on, review, I dare ya...  
**Disclaimer: **the Ducks belong to Disney.  
**Story Notes:** I originally wrote this story in 2003 and have (as of March 15, 2008) re-uploaded it for grammar. The story was inspired by the song 'Behind Blue Eyes' by The Who.

* * *

"Adam, you've got the most beautiful blue eyes. Beth loves that about you. She says they're your most attractive feature."

Everyone tells me I have great eyes. I guess it's true. Everyone says there's something special about them. I like my eyes. They're my favorite shade of blue. But there's a whole person behind them that nobody knows. Eyes are windows to the soul, and I wish my windows weren't so dirty.

Julie and I are great friends. She's going out with Portman now. We'd gone out for a while but that hadn't worked out. We were too different to be together all the time. Actually, _I_ was too different.

"Thanks Julie," I say to her.

She's trying to give me confidence for my date today. It's with a girl named Beth, from our math class. Beth's pretty and all, but Julie knows I'm not comfortable on dates. I tell Julie that I don't have much confidence, so she always tries to boost it for me. She's sweet like that, and I appreciate her efforts.

But nothing Julie can say or do will make me comfortable on my date with Beth…or any girl for that matter.

I'm what people call "different." I'm that term kids loosely throw around when they're just hanging out and fooling around. I'm what some people call immoral. I'm what some people get beaten up for. There are a countless number of derogatory terms for what I am.

I'm gay. Yep. Adam Banks of the original Mighty Ducks, the Cake-Eater, is gay. The NHL bound, hockey prodigy is gay. And all girls love my blue eyes. All my friends and family say I've got great eyes. But nobody sees the soul beyond them. Nobody looks into my eyes and sees that I'm gay, that I'm different. I don't think anyone even guesses. If they did, they wouldn't be setting me up on so many dates with girls I don't know, nor have any interest it. Nobody sees what's behind my eyes. Nobody sees the gay guy. But to be fair, I don't help them. I've been living with my secret for…let's see, I'm a junior, so it's about a year and a half now.

And for the last year, I've been in love with Charlie Conway. None other than Captain Duck himself. But nobody looks into my eyes and sees that.

Nobody knows this, and I haven't told anyone. Not Julie, my best friend, or Guy, my other best friend, and especially not Charlie, who is also one of my best friends. Nobody knows because I, Adam Banks, with the beautiful blue eyes, am a wimp. As strong as I am on the ice, that's how emotionally weak I am off it.

I'm afraid of what people will think. I want to play in the NHL more than anything in the world. What team is willingly going to draft a gay guy? The players would be uncomfortable around me. I don't want that. How could we win a Stanley Cup that way?

I'm terrified of what the fans would do to me. They can criticize my play, I've never been afraid of that, and I never will be. But the abuse I'd take for being gay? That terrifies me to death…wait, I'm thinking way too far ahead here.

I'm thinking about the fans? That's a long way off and a joke. The fans will never know. I can't even tell the Ducks. I can't tell my best friends, who I love more than life itself, because I'm afraid of what_they'll_ think of me. Although they'd probably be okay with it, I'm too much of a coward to let them know. If I can't tell them, I can't tell the entire NHL and its followers.

And then there's Charlie himself. I can't tell him. I just can't, even though I've come pretty close to it a couple of times. Once was during a game of Truth or Dare earlier this year. I chose truth, because last time I had chosen dare and Goldberg dared me to moon a chain gang. It's Truth or Dare, so I had to do it. Not wanting to do anything like that ever again, the next time I chose truth.

Averman had asked me, "So Banks, you don't go out on many dates. You're saving yourself for someone when you could have any chick you want. Who do you want?"

I opened my mouth and had almost said Charlie when I remembered what I was doing. I looked up and the first girl I saw was Julie. So "Julie" came out of my mouth. If I had seen Connie first, I'd probably have said Connie. It's a good thing I didn't though, because Guy, best friend or not, would have knocked me senseless. He's as in love with her as ever.

So that's how Julie and I had started dating. We called it quits when we decided we liked being friends better. One of our problems was we didn't really like kissing each other. I didn't like kissing her because she wasn't Charlie. But I told her it was because I felt like I was kissing my sister, and Julie said she didn't like kissing me cause I was "too sloppy" for her. We really had a laugh about that.

So I put up the front. I go out with girls. I brag about my hookups when I have to. I act just like other guys when I have to. I'm a good actor when I have to be. I'm probably going to be acting like this forever. I just wish someone would look into my eyes, the ones everyone thinks are so wonderful, and see who I a really am. I'd like them to stick up for me, and love me anyway. It would be so much easier than having to tell people. It would be so much easier if they first assured me that they loved me just as much no matter what.

I want to tell Charlie how I truly feel, but like with Julie, I enjoy being friends with Charlie. If I tell Charlie about me, and he doesn't feel the same way, I'll wreck a great friendship. His friendship is better than nothing. Besides, I really don't want Charlie to slug me. Which he might. I don't really know. No guy has ever told Charlie they thought he was hot before. Charlie always says he's open to other people's sexuality, but I don't think he was talking as if he were the target of some guy's affections. Charlie's nice though, and I don't think he'd do it, but I'd rather not take the chance.

I don't think he feels the same way for me as I do for him anyway. If he did, he would have come to me. He's much more straight forward like that. Plus, if he was into me, he wouldn't still be going out with Linda. He's not one to lead girls on. They broke up for a while and Charlie dated other girls, but he never strung them along, not when he still wanted to go back with Linda. Now he and Linda are trying to work things out. He's happy with her. Although, I have to admit, I don't see why. This isn't even me being jealous here. The Ducks have had group conversations on how Linda can be such a bitch. But Charlie's happy with her. He likes her. To each his own, I guess.

Just then, Charlie comes bursting into the dorm I share with Guy, where Julie and I are. Julie hops off my bed.

"I'd better get going. See ya, Adam. Bye, Charlie!"

"Bye Julie, thanks for the help," I say.

"No problem, Banksie, you'll be fine. Remember, she loves your eyes."

Wonderful. Another girl who loves my eyes but doesn't know anything about what's behind them.

"See ya later, Cat Lady," Charlie says grinning.

"Bye guys," she says again, smiling as she leaves.

"What's up, Charlie?" I ask. He's here for a reason, and I'm betting it's not to declare his undying love for me.

"I came to ask you if you'd help me out with the lines tomorrow. With Fulton out a week with his sprained ankle, we need to some juggling on the lines."

"Yeah, of course I'll help," I say. Besides wanting to spend the extra time with Charlie, I know him and well enough to know that he won't take no for an answer. This isn't really a request. It's a demand in request form.

"Thanks, Banksie, I'd appreciate that…" he turned to go, and then stopped and looked back at me. "By the way, Julie was saying someone loves your eyes. Who loves your eyes?"

"Beth. I've got a date with her," I say. I wish you loved my eyes, Charlie.

"I knew you were looking more preppy than usual, Cake-Eater! You look extra clean and well cut today. Beth Jansen? She's pretty."

"Yeah, she is."

"Well, I better get going. I don't want to make you late. I'll see you tomorrow for the lines around six, ok?"

I just stared at him. He's so perfect. Everything about him. I'm having an inner battle with myself right now. Should I stand here and continue pretending that everything's all right? Or should I confess my true feelings and tell him how I love him with all my heart?

It's a battle I have with myself a lot. The "Reveal Your True Feelings" side always loses. And it will again today. Because I am a wimp.

"Adam, are you alright?"

"Huh? Oh! Yeah, I'm fine," I say, even though I'm not.

"You were spacing on me, buddy. You sure you're ok? You look a little pale."

"Sorry I zoned, and yeah I'm fine," I lie. I'm such a liar. I'm not fine.

"That's okay. Tomorrow at six, then?"

'Yeah, six is good."

"I'll see ya then, Banksie."

"Yeah, all right."

Just before he steps out, he looks deep into my eyes and says, "Ya know, Banks, you've got the most intense blue eyes, especially when you're zoning out. I can see why girls love them. They are really cool."

He leaves, and I close the door.

He thinks my eyes are cool. But he, like the others, can't see beyond them. He doesn't see through the dirty windows. I guess that's to be expected. Nobody else sees what's going on. Nobody else sees the conflict within me. Nobody else sees how I'm torn between being my feelings for Charlie and my terror of what may or may not happen to me if I come out. Nobody else sees the battle. Nobody else sees that. Why should I expect different from him?

What Charlie does see is my blue eyes. He thinks my eyes are intense. I can't help but sigh a bit. Oh, Charlie. If you could only see the intense battle going on behind them.


End file.
